Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
