come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
