Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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