if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize