Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
