It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
