8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
