My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
