This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
