What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
