paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
