Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize