I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
