Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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