Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
