Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
