Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
