Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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