I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
