i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
