one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
