If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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