I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
