It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize