you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
