What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
