also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
