She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
