My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
