she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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