Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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