So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
