You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my shit smells like andre
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
