I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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