You're a womanizer and a bitch.
It's Friday. Sex?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
