why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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