if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Randomize
