The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I could fuck to npr.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
