actually, I'm a sock model
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize