i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
