I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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