Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
