Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
