My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
