So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
