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I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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