I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
