By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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