you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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