1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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