this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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