you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
