just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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