I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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