if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
