That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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