she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
