Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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